Crazy Cat Conspiracy Theories January 30 2017, 6 Comments

I want to believe. 

Are our beloved pets secretly alien life forms placed in our homes to spy on us? Are they the masters of some secret government agency plotting to rule the world?

As I'm typing this, the "X-Files" theme song is playing on loop ominously in the background. I take comfort in the white noise as I plumb the dark depths of Internet conspiracy theories.  The truth is out there, friends, if only we know where to look.

illuminati confirmed

The proof is in the pudding, folks, and also these pictures. You can't argue with these crudely drawn triangles. But what are they telling us? Stay woke, folks. You can't hide from the all-seeing eye(s) of your cat.

conspiracy theories

It can only mean one thing: Illuminati Confirmed.   

If the cutesy kitty act is indeed a front for the rulers of a clandestine organization, who’s to say that cats aren’t aliens sent from the stars to spy on us? The signs are everywhere.

 ninja cat

Cats are masters of stealth: always lurking from the shadows, watching our every move, waiting for their chance to strike.

 funny cat crazy cat

Not even our sofas, refuge from the world and shrine to Netflix, are safe from their treachery.

cute cat meowingtons 

Their information gathering doesn’t stop there. They’re learning the ways of our technology, hacking into our mainframes when we least expect it. 

funny internet cats

They’re growing stronger.

cat charging charging my lasers
Smarter.

laptop cat

 

They've already begun building prototypes of starships to bring them back to their true home.

cat in rocketship cat in box maru cat

Their attempts to keep us from learning the truth are transparent. But I will not be stopped.

sleeping cat cute cat

Even now, as I type this post to expose their dark deeds, I feel their eyes upon me. Always watching.

war of the worlds

There will come soft purrs, my fellows, and doubt you not, “Not one would mind, neither bird nor tree, If mankind perished utterly.” For then they could take their true place. 

cat costumes meowingtons

This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a purr.

cat treats

 

The truth is meowt there, my friends. The question is … Do you want to believe?

 the truth is out there

 

 

 Written By: [NAME REDACTED]

 

 (Just kidding it's written by Cortney Licata)

 

 

 

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